Being Present

Many of us have this little personal representative that lives behind our forehead. This mirror image expresses our deepest wishes and aspirations as well as being our largest critic and judge. Our actual self is that part of us that goes about daily business out of habit and on automatic pilot. Between these two, our aspirational self and our actual self, lies a gap.

The space in the gap that exists between aspirational and actual self varies for each of us. Some of us are blessed with these two parts being very close together. Others have them very far apart. Usually, it’s somewhere along the continuum. The degree of gap often predicts our level of suffering and stress. The experience varies from recognizing a wish to be more skillful in our interactions to feeling wrung out with self-hatred.

Mindfulness and mindfulness meditation are a critical part of bringing aspirational and actual closer together.

Several things are needed before the gap can shrink, and aspiration and actual more closely resemble each other.

First, we must become aware that we have an aspirational self. There is a part of us that is focused on our higher good. The part that wants to be a very good person and do very good things. Raise great children. Always be loving and kind. Serve our community well. Cultivate peace and goodwill. Be kind. Love everyone. It is not the part of self that wants to feel good, be at peace, and not struggle any more. It is the part that wants to do more than just exist in Easyville. It is usually buried under the demands of daily living and lives as a whisper.

Second, we must become aware that we are not living up to this aspirational self. That our actual self often leaves much to be desired (in our eyes only!). We yell at our kids. We lose our cool with other family members. We are lax with our duties at work. We don’t volunteer where we “should” or would like to. We suffer from anger and depression and can’t get out of our own way some days. We don’t love everyone. We don’t say the right thing at the right time. We don’t keep our promises.

Third, we bring compassion and kindness to this gap. The difference between aspiration and actual can create agony, judgment, criticism, rejection, and self-punishment. Simply resting in compassion and kindness for being human, vulnerable, overwhelmed, and unknowing allows us to rest a bit. To acknowledge and accept that, at this moment, this is our reality. With acceptance of being less than aspirational, we can begin to move in another direction.

We can move ahead only when we pause and rest in reality. We must accept what is true for us in the moment, with all its messiness. I’m not who I would like to be. I’m not acting on the beliefs and values I have. When we resist what is, fighting what is real we become uncomfortable and stirred up. We can’t see different behavioral choices. Instead we revert to habitual reactivity and let actual self take over, rather than invite aspirational self to the situation.

This brings us to the fourth variable. We become mindful in the moment so we have choice about our behavior. With mindfulness we can notice the activation of habitual self. When we notice, we now have choice to engage behaviors that match our aspirational self.

Formal meditation practice leads to developing the mindfulness skill that invites us to be aware in our life moment-to-moment. I can’t chose to be kind yesterday or even tomorrow. I can only chose to be kind now, right now. To be kind now, I must be awake and aware enough to know that this moment calls for kindness. Often, in hindsight we realize that we missed a moment to be kind. At the time, we were distracted. We were either lost in thought about the past or the future, rather than right in the moment.

A final variable is the practice of skillful behavior. To have skillful behavior on hand, it is useful to practice. We review situations that did not go the way our aspirational self would have liked. We make note of how we were distracted. We create different ways of responding in the situation. Asking others for help in generating ideas can be very helpful. Then we practice. We replay the earlier situation with the new responses. We imagine a future situation we find ourselves in and practice the new response.

The practice of mindfulness meditation leads us to become aware that we have an aspirational self. A self who wants to be good and kind and do good and kind things. We learn to recognize that we have an actual self whose behaviors don’t always meet aspirational self. We are aware there is a gap between these two. With our meditation practice we develop the skill to be in the moment. Then we more quickly and easily see situations where skillful behavior is helpful. We notice our distractedness or upset. Then we chose kind and caring behaviors. One step closer to aspirational self.